It hurts

Okay, yeah, it's been like a long time since I last posted. I mentioned this before, but it's a real tricky situation to handle a blog post where you're safe enough in your statement not to lose you friends, to become an enemy of the state or generally screw up some n-degree of separation connection I didn't foresee that prevents my employment or some such. But today, I have a post we can all agree on.

Jet lag sucks. Add a million other variables and it sucks to high heaven. Allow me to explain.

Last Friday night (or whenever it was relative to the good ol' EST... the international date line still makes no sense to me), my wife and I embarked on a wicked long trek back to North America from a great stay in Bangkok. Unfortunately, the following happened and has continued to happen since.

1.) Bangkok is 12 hrs. ahead of EST. That 9 am double-espresso you're enjoying is being consumed by your 9 pm alternaverse counterpart and keeping them up all night.

2.) Bangkok is, right now, about 30-40 degrees Celsius hotter than Ottawa. No huge surprise, I know, but you have to realize that while your mind may be able to reconcile this factor, every other nerve ending in your body has trouble keeping up. Bangkok also benefits from its location to garner an extra couple hours of daylight every day, which I would have shipped up here with me if I could have fit the sun in my overnight bag. (3 oz. or less, people!)

3.) 24-30 hrs. in airplanes is, I would wager, never fun for anyone (and if you say otherwise, you're either full of youthful exuberance about your intended destination, or you're certifiably in-fucking-sane), but when you add in a redeye leg that is un-airconditioned for 7 hrs so you get no sleep, and a packed Tokyo-Chicago leg that offers about as much sleeping room as your average office chair in a crowded office supply closet, you're looking at a day and a half of utter discomfort.

4.) Congee? At 3 am? Japan Airlines, I knew you guys were different, and you're head-and-shoulders better than ANY North American airline I've flown with, but there ought to be a law against that kind of mistreatment towards your Western passengers. That shit violates Geneva conventions. I haven't been able to smell cooking food for FOUR DAYS.

5.) And then the great 3rd-class-citizen treatment that American gives to anyone flying outside of the US, as they put us on an airplane with no working lavatory while me and my wife are trying every waking minute to hold down three days' worth of lunches/dinners/whatever-swill-congee-is-supposed-to-represent, while trying to negotiate a head-clearance exactly two inches shorter than me. Seriously, I hit my head FOUR GODDAMNED TIMES getting into and out of that vessel. To think they have the gall to charge for snacks. You should give everyone who dares ride a plane that should have been decommissioned in the 80's a medal.

6.) Finally, despite knowing better, I cannot seem to convince my body that 4 am, 2 am or 11 pm are NOT in fact perfectly fine times to wake up to start the day, no matter how little sleep I've gotten, and so my body continues to begin its shutdown sequence sometime between 1 pm and 4 pm.

I'm sure this will pass, but it cannot happen soon enough for my tastes. It's a good thing the trip to Thailand was worth it.